Weekly Picks – 11/21/2008

By: Taylor Rockwell | November 21st, 2008

My picks have been a bit off recently, and that’s putting a generous light on the situation. So, it seems obvious that the only way to avoid being generically wrong is to be specifically correct. Therefore, not only am I going to predict the scorelines for this week, I will even give you, my dear readers, a Nostradamus-esque view into specific moments from the coming weekend. Try not to be too amazed/afraid.

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1 – Chelsea v. Newcastle @ Stamford Bridge

2 – Degenerate Criminals FC v. Fulham @ Anfield

3 – Manchester City v. Arsenal @ City of Manchester Stadium

4 – Aston Villa v. Manchester United @ Villa Park

5 – Boro v. Bolton @ The Riverside

6 – Pompey v. Hull @ Fratton Park

7 – Stoke v. West Brom @ Britannia Stadium

8 – Tottenham v. Blackburn @ White Hart Lane

9 – Sunderland v. Elijah Wood FC @ Stadium of Light

10 – Wigan v. Everton @ The JJB Stadium
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1 – Kevin Keegan will be rehired prior to the start of the match. A drunk Mike Ashley will then fire him when Anelka nets in the first 13 seconds. He will then reconsider this decision and attempt to rehire him at halftime/after his 17th pint (whichever comes first), leading Keegan to have yet another breakdown.

PREDICTION: 3-1 CHELSEA

2 – Robbie Keane will continue in his quest to make Dirk Kuyt look impressive when he launches a sitter 48 yards over the bar. Not to be outdone, England’s One And Only Stevie G will rocket one 49 yards over. A bemused Fernando Torres will then notch when home, and have a second stolen when a screamer hits Kuyt in the face, and slowly rolls into the Fulham net. The concussed Dutchman will celebrate emphatically.

PREDICTION: 2-1 LIVERPOOL

3 – In a battle to see who’s defense is more porous, William Gallas (who somehow remains Arsenal’s captain) will seemingly secure a point for city when he simultaneously misses an easy tackle, takes down Almunia, and allows the ball to roll into an unprotected net. Not to be outdone, Richard Dunne will collect the ball (with his hands, mind you), sprint into his own box, stumble into his own goal, and give Arsenal the win.

Bonus: If Arsenal manager to lose again, it will be the fault of neither Arsene Wenger nor the Arsenal players, but rather poor officiating/the pitch/the unfairness of the F.A./the weak technical ability of the EPl/the fact that the French are incapable of leading anything to victory.

PREDICTION: 3-2 GOONERS

4 – Slave will be taken down by a fairly bad tackle. The referee will initially allow play to continue, but then be charmed into awarding a free kick by #7’s sad, pouty face and immaculately gelled quaff. The resulting free kick will put United ahead to stay.

PREDICTION: 2-1 UNITED

5 – In his post match interview, Bolton manager Gary Megson will note that he is looking forward to being in the top half of the table when his team take on their opponents in the Coca-Cola Championship. Suicidal Bolton fan WILL NOT regret certain decisions.

PREDICTION: 1-0 BORO

6 – Remembering his penchant for the dance, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXxHU3re1Q a visibly depressed Peter Crouch will do a sad, uninspired robot in the Pompey tunnel shortly after once again failing to score. He will pause to reflect that, despite dating her, he still plays for him. Crouch’s dancing will then continue as a single tear rolls down his cheek.

PREDICTION: 1-1 DRAW

7 – Neither team will be certain how to score a goal with all of their respective players in their own penalty areas. Rory Delap will break the deadlock when he launches a throw in 120 yards into the West Brom net. Despite it being illegal, the referee will allow the goal to stand so as to not have the match go down as the most boring ever played.

PREDICTION: 1-0 STOKE

8 – Already impressed by his impact, Spurs fans will be even more pleased when Harry Redknapp solves the Israel-Palestine conflict, resurrects the American economy, and reunites Guns ‘n Roses. However, White Hart Lane will erupt in orgasmic applause when the new manager manages to defy physics and force the universe to revolve around him, and him alone.

PREDICTION: 2-0 SPURS

9 – After a moving moment last week wherein Djibril Cisse and his beloved manager Roy Keane happily shook hands after their win against Blackburn, the French striker will take it a step too far after netting this week when he sprints to the sideline, and begins stroking the new managers impressive beard whilst purring romantic overtures. Kieran Richardson will supply a reacharound.

PREDICTION: 1-0 BLACK CATS

10 – Wigan supporters will switch on their televisions on Monday and find themselves shocked by the goings-on on the pitch. They will then take a relieved breath, realize that they are watching football and not their precious rugby, and switch the channel. Stevie Bruce will die a little inside.

PREDICTION: 1-1 DRAW