The Weekly Picks

By: Taylor Rockwell | October 22nd, 2008

Last week was a rough one, dear readers. Out of a maximum possible amount of 60 points, I took home a grand total of five (3 for nailing the United score, and 1 apiece for picking Hull and Arsenal to win). Not exactly a strong showing. So, here comes this week’s rebound picks… and I’m definitely not picking Boro to do anything even remotely productive this time. Home team is in CAPS.

SUNDERLAND v. Calamity FC

What’s more suspect? The random bits of news we keep getting about the various organizations trying to purchase Newcastle or the fact that no one seems entirely certain of how exactly Niall Quinn can afford to sign 86 new players in every transfer window? Nevertheless, Roy Keane’s silent, brooding fury should be able to net one goal alone, and Calamity FC should be able to find a hilarious, Three Stooges-esque way to gift them another.

Prediction: 2-1 Sunderland

WEST BROM v. Hull City

Would anyone have ever expected that, heading into week eight of the season, these two teams would be in the positions they are in? Hull have proved a side that will beat you on tenacity alone, while West Brom have proved a team that can get steamrolled one week, and surprise the next. Expect an even match, right up until Hull scores in the 8th minute.

Prediction: 1-0 Hull

BLACKBURN v. Boro

Never again, Boro. Never again. I watched you play a reserve United squad and get trounced. I watched you fall to the One True Keano. And yet, week after week, you make me think that you’re almost at the point where you will break out and start a serious winning streak. And then you get pummeled my Chelski. Daryl and I are definitely still licking our wounds on this one. Plus, Roque Santa Cruz is due for a brace (even if he is only as good as Marlon Harewood).

Prediction: 2-1 Blackburn

CHELSEA v. Degenerate Criminals

If only it were possible for two sides to lose at once, this game would have me tingling with anticipation. Instead, I’m just praying for further injuries. Chelsea’s streak at home has got to come to an end sometime, but it won’t be here. I have a feeling that this could be the negative turning out of Liverpool’s season. A big loss here, and the wheels could some come off the Merseyside Express (hell, they’ve already had their hubcaps stolen anyway).

Prediction: 2-1 Chelsea

CITY v. Stoke

That other Manchester team may be the odds on favorite to win the title for 2008/2009 Most Lopsided Team in the EPL Award. Seriously, they crush West Ham, Sunderland, and HRIE by a combined score of 12-0, and then have the temerity to lose to Wigan and draw against Newcastle. What? What is Sparky doing at the Middle Eastlands? Another poor performance and it’s possible we here City’s owners threaten to buy earth and dress it in a powder blue kit.

Prediction: 3-0 City

TOTTENHAM v. Bolton

I will continue to pick Spurs to win every game until they actually come good. The good news for Spurs, who don’t seem to be able to handle a highly physical opponent, is that… oh shit… they’re playing Bolton? Their style of play makes Vinnie Jones’ “challenge” on Paul Gascoigne seem like a hug from a Carebear. Nevertheless, it’s like paying $9 to see a Michael Bay movie. Sure, it’s probably not gonna be any good, but at least people will be getting physically assaulted.

Prediction: 2-0 Spurs

WIGAN v. Villa

If we are expected to take the Villains seriously, they must win these games. First order of business: stop Amr Zaki from scoring, which seems about as simple a task as stopping the Laws of Gravity from applying.

Egyptian “wunderkind” Amr Zaki is, reportedly, soon going to sign with United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Arsenal, Man City, AC Milan, Inter Milan, Real Madris, Barcelona, and every other team who are essentially better off than Wigan, which isn’t saying much

Prediction: 2-1 Villains

WEST HAM v. Arsenals

Every now and then, a team is so shambolic that they are written off as laughable and an easy win, and then they come out and get a result against a giant. It happens quite frequently, and this match has all the makings of an upset (angry players, enraged fans, and a dazed coach who desperately needs a win). If this were at the Emirates, I would actually guarantee a win (which worked the other time I did it). Since it’s at Upton, I’ll guarantee a draw. Go ahead, bet on it… just not with my money.

Prediction: 1-1

HRIE (Harry Redknapp’s Interchangeable 11) v. Fulhamerica

What happens when you combine an awkward giant and the personification of class? You get the trendiest fan favorite since it became possible to actually stink of failure. The H.R.I.E. should expect a tough task in a game as evenly matched as a tank versus a flower.

Prediction: 2-0

EVERTON v. United

I don’t think it’s possible, to be less convinced by an “in form” striker than I am by Dimitar Berbatov. Yes, he seems to have found his scoring touch, and yes he definitely adds a new threat to an already versatile attack. But I still have yet to see a goal that makes me feel like it was worth me refreshing the Soccenet.com homepage approximately 68 million times this summer to see if he had been signed. Granted, I was the one who wrote that he needed our patience. But at the time, I wrote that thinking that our formation would incorporate a developing Berbatov, as well as proven United players in the forms of Rooney and Tevez.

Carlos Tevez: How’s Life on the Bench? Insanely frustrating? I bet it is.

Lil’ Carlitos is clearly the odd man out here, and once again lends credence to the notion that United’s recent signings were more Carlos Quieroz than they were Lord Ferg. Just look at recent results. Nani has figured sparingly despite some impressive performances to date. Anderson can’t get a game with Hargreaves, Scholes, and Carrick all out injured. And Lil’ Carlitos didn’t even dress for the West Brom game. I mean, really? I was all ready to dismiss those Tevez to King Franco FC rumors as laughable, and write a “strongly worded” column about how I hated newspapers attempting to swirl up controversy to sell as space. Now it seems possible that we could be losing to big names to sunny, sunny Madrid.

Nevertheless, the Toffees (as stated last week) are not good this season. And as much as I love Timmy Howard and his Tourette’s tendencies, look for him to get shelled this weekend.

Prediction: 3-1 United