Seinfeld: The Only Way to Make Sense of the Transfer Season

I am a firm believer that Seinfeld was one of the greatest television programs of all time. As such, I try to work it into every possible situation, regardless of whether or not the reference is valid. However, in looking at the state of Manchester United, a Seinfeld analogy seems incredibly apt.

In the season eight episode “The Van Buren Boys” Jerry is dating a woman (named Ellen) who is, on the surface, perfect. She is smart, funny, and gorgeous. Yet everyone who comes in contact with her finds something decidedly off. His friends question his mental health and the state of his career, and Jerry begins to worry that he’s dating a loser. In the end, he flies his parents in to get their impression of Ellen. Once he sees that his parents both love Ellen, Jerry begins to see the light; reasoning that if they like her, then there must be something very wrong.

So how does this in any way related to the once and future kings of Europe? Sadly, it seems that Manchester United have become the off-putting girlfriend in the world of global football.

United have won three EPL titles in a row. They have been in the Champion’s League Final two years in a row. They average around 75,000 supporters for every home match (2000 more than King Franco FC). They are a world class organization with gifted players, excellent coaches, and top flight facilities.

And yet, the major transfer news involving the team has either been 1) United players linked with other teams or 2) players interested in other clubs rather than United. In the weeks since the season ended, Slave has departed for Spain. Tevez has publicly stated he will not return. High profile targets (Villa and Benzema) seem increasingly likely to remain with their current clubs, while other notable stars (mainly Ribery) prefer Italy and Spain to cold, rainy Manchester. United are, arguably, one of the most attractive destinations for high profile footballers, and yet, all of a sudden, their neighbors in blue seem more likely to sign international talent.

Take a look at the transfer window, and the picture gets a little clearer. With Thomas Vermaelen signing for Arsenal, Glen Johnson on his way to Liverpool, and Florent Malouda re-signing for Chelsea (with Daniel Sturridge to join the roster in a few days), United are the only member of the big four to remain inactive on the transfer wire. In fact, of the twenty teams currently in the EPL, United are one of seven teams to have made no transfers as of yet. Take away Sunderland signing a new manager in Steve Bruce, and that makes six. Who are the others? Villa (who look very weak at this point), Spurs, Bolton, Burnley, and Stoke. Not exactly shining company.

To be certain, there are a number of reasons for this inactivity. Obviously, the transfers of Kaka and Slave have artificially inflated the market, making the prices for players like Ribery, Benzema, and Villa exorbitantly high. Couple that with reports that United are no longer pursuing pricey players over the age of 25, and you can start to see why it’s all quiet on the Old Trafford front. When things calm down and prices decrease, expect United to make their splash and pick up some world class talent. A midfield of Park, Carrick, Fletcher, and Nani isn’t exactly going to get the job done in the coming campaign.

That doesn’t change the fact that this transfer season has shades of 2006. Way back then, Chelsea, Franco FC, Barca, and the Milan twins were splashing out the big bucks and looking like the trendy places to go, while United dropped their pounds on the Polish Failbot and a price-inflated Michael Carrick. That same situation seems to have reappeared today. United are a world class club, and yet they seem to attract approximately zero interest from the big name players. Indeed, they seem to have become the off-putting girlfriend for many world class stars. Whether or not that’s a good thing remains to be seen.

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Category: Manchester United