A Return to Form and The Weekly Picks

By: Taylor Rockwell | October 16th, 2008

Reader Disclaimer: This is my first post in roughly two weeks, and the absence appears to have been noted by readers and editors alike. I recognize that the strongest asset a writer can have is continuity, and it only takes the reader a couple of visits with no new postings before they say f*** off and move on to another site. So, I apologize for the dearth in new material and promise to make up for it by using telepathy to force Liverpool into a draw with Wigan. Anyway, I swear on my developing semi-serious relationship with Manucho that no such lapses shall ever occur again. Now then….

I’m going to start making weekly picks and tallying my totals for the entire year. If you’d like to do the same, but with more Englishness/professionalism, check out the Guardian site. Otherwise, you can just mock my delusional selections.

The Picks (home team in caps):

MIDDLESBOROUGH v. Chelsea

This may be a prediction from the heart rather than the head, but since my brain is pretty tiny, my heart will win out. An up-and-coming Boro squad could give an injury plagued Chelsea trouble. Alfonso Alves will need to have a good start, or this one could start my weekend off poorly.

Prediction: Boro 1 – Chelsea 1

ARSENAL v. Everton

Everton is not good. Arsenal isn’t all that great either. It’s sort of like the highly stoppable force meets the easy moved object… but Fabregas and Walcott will do enough to embarrass the Toffees.

Prediction: 3-0 Arsenal

VILLAINS v. Portsmouth

The Harry Redknapp Interchangeable Eleven (HRIE) will have their work cut out for them against a strong Villa side. Even more upsetting for HRIE is that, according to recent reports, Crouchie has not had his nachos this week, which could spell doom for the squad.

Prediction: 3-1 Villains

BOLTON v. Blackburn

If you feel the need to combine your love of football with your love of sleep, don’t miss this highly entertain… er… highly talent… er… highly a football match. It should be a barnburner of Bolton hoofing the ball up the field while Blackburn desperately tries to feed the ball to Roque Santa Cruz.

Prediction: 1-0 Blackburn

FULHAMERICA v. Sunderland

Come on you Black Cats! As much as a I love Fulhamerica (which is sort of a misnomer, as they now only have one American actually playing for them… sort of…), my love of The One True Keano blocks out all other optons in this one. Plus, Djibril Cisse will be running around. How can that not excite you?

Prediction: 2-1 Sunderland

DEGENERATE CRIMINALS FC v. Wigan Amr Zaki is good... really good...

As I said, my love of you, the reader, will allow me to force Liverpool into a draw using nothing more than my mind, injuries to Fernando Torres and Ryan Babel, and Amr Zaki. The nominee for African Player of the Year will no doubt intend on ruining Liverpool’s Anfield happiness… until that mumbling Scouser in the midfield fails to blast it 40 yards over the bar and accidentally ties it up with .32 seconds to play.

Prediction: Degenerate Criminals 1 – Wigan 1

HULL CITY v. West Ham

West Ham = Zola = Chelsea = I now hate West Ham. On the plus side, it seems the Hammers have their own math equation that looks something like this:

West Ham + EPL – Illegal Players = Relegation. Isn’t math fun?

Prediction: 2-1 Hull

STOKE CITY v. The Laughing Stock of the EPL

As much as I have enjoyed Spurs hilarious start to the season, Juane Ramos will have his team ready for this one… and by “ready” I mean that we should expect to see Darren Bent wandering around somewhere in the vicinity of the Stoke goal for a good 55-60 minutes. Nevertheless, it’s Stoke.

Prediction: 2-1 Tottenham

THE OTHER LAUGHING STOCK OF THE EPL v. Middle Eastlands

Three-nil is a conservative estimate for this match. Newcastle may be the most shambolic squad I have ever seen (and I’ve watched countless MLS and USL games). This one could easily be five or six nil, but you can never count out the incompetence of SWP and his ability to ruin solid attacking play. Plus, Robinho may have to leave early to attend to “private family matters” (a #4 combo at McDonald’s).

Prediction: 3-0 Middle Eastlands

UNITED v. West Brom

This game has all the makings of the Derby game from last season. The question is which one? On December 8, 2007, a talented, free-flowing United crushed Derby 4-1 (should have been 8-0). However, on March 15, 2008, a presumably overconfident United barely defeated the woeful Rams. In fact, were it not for a particularly stellar performance by Ben “I’m More Breakable Than Glass” Foster, the Red Devils could easily have lost to the worst side in the history of the EPL. So, the question remains: which United team will show up on Saturday? It would be easy to say that with the World Cup Qualifiers last weekend, several United players will be fatigued. With West Brom will be well up for the clash, it could be another tedious day at Old Trafford. That said, Rooney looks in form, Tevez would probably murder a panda to score a goal, and Berba looks… well… lazy? But lazy in the way that he’ll probably score from 45 yards out without actually appearing to try.

So, I’m going to say a return to form and a 4-0 win to United with Rooney factoring in several of the goals… or maybe a grind-it-out 1-0 victory thanks to a late goal by Slave… either way, three points is three points.